Just a thought

Sometime love just isn't enough

I confess

I have a bad temper

I know that I have a short temper, and I TRY so hard to manage it, but it doesn't always work out that way. My friend Richard prides himself on being "easy going", but we are so opposite in that manner, and it cracks me up.

In retrospect I see when I "went off" or reacted a way where I could have taken a different route, but didn't and then I feel bad.

Needless to say when I'm sounding off, I feel I'm in the right, but after I cool off, I think how I could have handled the situation differently (or should I say better).

Well, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf and have a cooler head and think before I speak. If my head explodes, you guys know why. If I slip, just know I'm trying. LOL!!

Loud & Clear

I heard it loud and clear

If you have read any of my most recent post, you will know I have been having some troubles in my relationship. Most of the advice I got was to voice my concerns becuase it wouldn't be fair to go on being mad and upset without my boyfriend knowing the full story. So I did.

I had a conversation with him about how I felt my concerns had gone unvalidated and how I would like for them be acknowledged.

It was a good conversation. There was no bickering or arguing. He listened to what I had to say, and I did the same in return. He had very good points as to why he hadn't addressed the issue at hand, and in fair turnaround, I understood.


The conversation went on and it ended with him saying he wanted to think about it. He wants to give me a deserving response as opposed to simply saying "I acknowledge you or I validate you". He wanted to be given the time to think about our most recent conversation where cooler heads prevailed.

I agreed. This was a week ago.

During this time, we have focused on getting back on track with communicating, and being loving and affectionate the way we had been. I had missed him like crazy. So it was nice to be able to laugh and talk like we had.

So there hasn't been any response. The fact of the matter is, I feel there won't be one. I have reconcilled the fact that this particular issue will simply be swept under the carpet never to see daylight again. I suppose I'm okay with that, but it just makes me wonder if we run into big issues again, will this repeat? I don't know. I know that I love him with my whole heart and I am commited to him and this relationship.

I've made a decision

There are going to be some changes around here

I've had this blog for a couple of years. I've talked about vacations, friends, love, family and just life as a whole. The other day I wrote about something that is very personal for me and it was a issue had a hard time expressing to the person that needed to hear it.

After I wrote the blog and published it, I felt a weight taken off my shoulders. No it didn't solve anything, and I know it could have possibly fallen on deaf ears, but for me to get it off my chest was therapy in itself.

I haven't been very open in candid in my previous post, but from this day going forward, I am going to open up and expose myself and the things I go through.

This is not going to be easy for me because I'm such a personal person and I was raised old school not to air my dirty laundry and to keep my business to myself.

For those who read Words, Sounds & Wisdom, I may write about you. NEVER would I ever post your real name or any dead give aways because I respect each and everyone of my friends, boyfriends, and associates. If you recognize yourself and you want to expose yourself, so be it.

I have great friends and they are always there to listen and give good advise, but sometimes I just want to be able to sound off and look for advice, or sometimes when you know people so well, you know what they will say, so I'm looking to get a new voice and opinion(s).

I hope you enjoy.

A Little About Z

I have experienced love and what I thought was love. I know what love is, I know how to love and I believe I know how to receive love.

I will say I am not very experienced in relationships. I've only had 3. First one with Greggory lasted almost 3 years. The second with Adair lasted 3 years, and the third with Darnell lasted 10 years.

With that being said, the relationship I had with Darnell, really shouldn't have gone past 5 or 6 because after that, it was infidelity after infidelity followed by lies and deceit. There was part of me that wanted to feel like I was enough and all Darnell needed and repeatedly, it was proven I wasn't. I hate being lied to. I would rather be told the truth, and deal with it from there.

Sadly, in my mind I thought I was able to put that hurt to rest. I thought it didn't have a lasting impression on me. I thought I had put it in the past and moved forward. After the relationship with Darnell ended I purposely stayed single. I took the time to focus on me. Get back to being me and learning how to be single. It wasn't easy.

The simpliest part of it all was being single. I didn't desire to be with anyone, and over the years I was with Darnell, everyone knew me to be in a relationship so I just formed friendships with people.

Once I thought I was ready to love again, I would put myself out there, and I found that everyone just wanted to have sex, and that just wasn't my thing. I am not into having casual sex. That's not to say I haven't had hook-ups, but it isn't on the top of my list.

I've embarked on love.

Darnell burned me emotionally and apparently mentally. I take issue with my mate being on dating sites such as BGC, A4A, Men4NOW, and any other dating site. I have serious issue with my partner having private pictures that I knjow he shares outside of our relationship. I have a hard time dealing with the fact that online, he's a HUGE flirt. I know that he has shared and exchanged XXX rated photos via text, email, and websites, and it hurts my feelings.

As you read this, I'm sure you're asking yourself if I have vocalized this to my guy. I have. He's simply says "It's just pictures". It's so much more than that to me.

It takes me back to my insecurities and it is now causing problems because we have totally different views on the issue and it's always making me think and wonder.

He seems to think it's a trust issues. Is it? I don't know. I don't think for one minute he has stepped outside the relationship, so I don't see it as being a trust issue. FOR ME, it's a respect issue. To get to the point of sending nude photos, there has to be some type of talk/interaction for it to get to that level. Flirting if you will. After the pictures are exchanged, there has to be further dialogue and THAT makes me sooo uneasy.

This could potentially cause serious issues.

Before anyone chimes in, he's a great guy. Other than this, we have no other issues. I'm not looking for someone to be right or wrong, or to bash him or me, what I'm hoping for is some sincere advice on how we are able to get over this hump.

Signed,
Wanting to hold on

Rant

I feel lonely

It Gets Better

My Delivery

*In my Bernie Mac voice*

America, I have a problem

It's become apparent that I don't know how to talk to people.

I can be in the best of moods, and (in my mind), I'm having a good time with my friends, but then circumstance would have it, I've either said or done something that has offended them or have put them on the defense.

There have been times when I have walked away from a conversation with a smile on my face, to later get a phone call defending something that I said or have done, and I'm flabbergast. Standing there looking like whoa!

After my friend has come after me with their double barrel shot gun loaded, I then have to defuse the situation by explaning how I wasn't mad or upset or being accusatory.

Yea, I know everyone is differently and you can't talk to or treat everyone the same. I thought I was doing just that, but apparently I have done a poor job of it, and I now see the light.

America, I now know my downfall and I have set a goal of becoming less accusatory is my speech, have less dry humor, and just be down right DRY.

Wish me luck!